When Motivation Wears Off 😩 & how to create a more mature relationship with goals
Charlie and I were driving home from Crave the other day, and he asked me if I had gotten my workout in yet. And I said, “Yeah. I got up at 4:30 this morning and did it before we went into the shop.” To which he said something along the lines of, “I don't know how you do that. I don't know how you have the motivation to get up that early and get it done.”
And it made me pause. I've been thinking about that conversation ever since. Because here's the thing:
I'm actually not that motivated.
I think sometimes we look at people who are consistent with something we struggle to be consistent with and assume they must possess some magical amount of motivation that we don't.
But when my alarm goes off at 4:30 in the morning, I can promise you that I’m not lying there thinking, YESSSSS. I cannot WAIT to get out of this warm bed and pick up some dumbbells.
Not at all. I want to go back to sleep. I want to keep snuggling my pups. I would truly rather wait until later in the day to workout. There are plenty of mornings when I don't feel like working out at all.
But somewhere along the way, I stopped requiring myself to want to do something before I was willing to do it. I want you to hear that. Just because I don't feel like doing something doesn't automatically mean I shouldn't do it. I stopped letting “I don't feel like it” make the decision for me.
Because I've learned what happens on the other side.
I've learned that I would much rather do the workout than struggle with my mental health. I'd rather do the workout than carry that open tab around in my brain all day—the you still need to work out tab that's just hanging out back there while I'm trying to do seventeen other things. And on a day where I’m working at our coffee shop here in Tampa? I would MUCH rather get it done before I go to work than come home after spending hours on my feet, finally take my shoes off, sit down for five seconds…and somehow expect myself to find the energy to get back up and work out.
So no.
I don't always want to do it. I do it because I've decided that what I get on the other side of doing it is worth it. And that distinction has me thinking about something much bigger than working out.
Because how many things are you currently waiting to want to do?
Maybe it's not a workout.
Maybe it's sitting down to work on the thing you said you wanted to create.
Maybe it's meal planning.
Maybe it's finally looking at your finances.
Maybe it's going for the walk.
Maybe it's sending the email.
Maybe it's making the appointment.
Maybe it's returning to a routine that you know makes you feel better.
Maybe life has just been lifeing lately, and somewhere between work and family and appointments and laundry and groceries and everything else that needs something from you, you've gotten further and further away from some of the things that make you feel most like you.
And you keep thinking:
I'll get back to it. When things calm down. When I have more energy. When I feel inspired. When I get my motivation back.
But what if getting your motivation back isn't actually what you need?
What if you're waiting for a feeling that you no longer need in order to move?
Because friends, we're grown-ass women now. I used to tell my clients this..I’d call it G.A.W. and they knew what that meant — it’s time we develop a more grown-up relationship with the things we say we want.
MATURE MOTIVATION
I talk all the time around here about creating what you crave. It's one of those phrases that has become so woven into the way I think about my life. If something is on my heart—if there's a life I want to live, something I want to build, a way I want to feel—I believe I have some responsibility for participating in the creation of it.
But there's a part of Create What You Crave that isn't nearly as fun to put on a sweatshirt.
Creating what you crave has a cost.
Not necessarily some huge, dramatic sacrifice.
Sometimes the cost is much more ordinary than that.
Sometimes the cost is doing something when you don't feel like doing it.
Sometimes it's repetition.
Sometimes it's inconvenience.
Sometimes it's boredom.
Sometimes it's getting up earlier.
Sometimes it's practicing something you're still bad at.
Sometimes it's doing the same basic thing for the hundredth time when nobody is cheering and nothing about it feels new anymore.
Ya’ll. We LOVE beginnings.
We love the idea.
The announcement.
The new supplies.
The fresh plan.
The first day.
The I'm doing it!!! energy.
Motivation is wonderful at beginnings. But eventually? The beginning ends. And the thing you were so excited to start becomes something you now have to continue. That's where I think we need something I'm going to call mature motivation. Mature motivation isn't waking up every morning wildly excited about everything required to create the life you want. It's understanding that:
Loving what you're creating does not mean you will love every single thing required to create it.
You can want to be strong and not want to do today's workout.
You can want to write a book and not want to sit in front of a blank page.
You can love the business you created and not love every responsibility that comes with running it.
I love this podcast. We're closing in on 200 episodes of this show, and I am incredibly proud of the body of work I've created here. And do you think I have been wildly inspired to sit down and record every single one of them? NO. 😂 There have been episodes I've been dying to record. And there have been episodes where recording the episode was simply the work required to have the podcast I said I wanted to create.
That's an adult relationship with a goal.
WANTING → WAITING → WILLING → WORKING
I think there are four words that can help explain the difference.
Wanting.
Waiting.
Willing.
Working.
You can want something and still spend your entire life waiting for it. And at some point, that's just a wish. Nothing changes because you wanted it really badly.
You can want to feel stronger.
Want to write the book.
Want to change careers.
Want to feel better in your skin.
Want to create something.
Want to take better care of yourself.
But if you're constantly waiting—
Waiting for Monday.
Waiting for January.
Waiting for life to calm down.
Waiting until you're less tired.
Waiting until you're more confident.
Waiting until you're motivated.
Waiting until you want to do the work—
You're still waiting.
Eventually wanting has to become willingness.
Am I willing to do something I don't particularly want to do because I want what doing it creates?
That's a very different question. And willingness doesn't mean forcing yourself through everything.
Sometimes the Best Self Choice really is rest.
Sometimes your body needs recovery.
Sometimes life has genuinely knocked you sideways and your capacity is lower.
Mature motivation isn't ignoring yourself in pursuit of a goal. It's learning to know the difference between I don't want to and I don't have the capacity to. Because those aren't always the same thing. But eventually, even willingness has to become something else.
Work.
You can say I'm willing. I'm going to. I'm ready. I know I need to for six months. But intention without action doesn't move you any closer. Eventually, you have to work. I’m not talking about hustling, or grinding, or going at full capacity every single day until you burn out. No. Just WORK IT OUT. That thing you want? Work it out.
Take the walk.
Make the meal.
Write the page.
Send the email.
Do the workout.
Have the conversation.
Rest today so you can return tomorrow.
Do the next thing.
Choice after choice after choice.
One of the most powerful and mature things I’ve come to realize in my journey with goals and creating a life you crave is that you don't work because you always want to. More often than not, you show up and put in the work because you've decided the result on the other side is worth it.
THE CRAP SANDWICH — EVERYTHING YOU WANT COMES WITH SOMETHING YOU DON'T
But here's the other part of having an adult relationship with your goals that I don’t think we talk enough about:
You have to stop being surprised that the thing you want comes with things you don't want.
There's this concept Elizabeth Gilbert talks about in Big Magic that I have thought about for YEARS. We'll call it the crap sandwich today just to keep it a little PG. But the idea is basically this:
Everything you choose comes with a crap sandwich.
Every pursuit. Every dream. Every goal. Every version of a life you could build. There's going to be some part of it that you don't particularly enjoy. And I think sometimes we make the mistake of believing that if something is really meant for us—or if we really want it—we should somehow enjoy all the things that come with it. But that's not how this works.
Remember what I said earlier: loving what you're creating doesn't mean you're going to love every single thing required to create it.
And THIS is what I mean. Every goal comes with its own crap sandwich
I love being strong. My crap sandwich is that sometimes being strong requires me to get out of bed at 4:30 in the morning and work out when I'd rather be sleeping.
I love having this podcast. But almost 200 episodes in, there are absolutely parts of creating a weekly show that aren't exciting anymore. Editing isn't new. Uploading isn't new. Writing show notes isn't new. There are weeks when sitting down to record is the last thing my creative brain feels like doing.
I love owning Crave. That doesn't mean I love every 6:30 a.m. opening. Or staffing issue. Or inventory count. Or problem that needs solving.
There's a crap sandwich in everything.
And I actually think one of the most freeing things we can do is figure out what ours is bc once you know this is the part that tends to suck for me, you can stop being so surprised every time you get there. You can stop turning it a story you tell yourself like:
Maybe I'm not motivated anymore.
Maybe this isn't working.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Maybe I chose the wrong thing.
No.
Maybe you've just reached the part you don't like. And that’s normal. Everything you chose comes with a crap sandwich. But I do want to make a distinction here bc you know me and you know there’s nuance to everything. There is a difference between thinking this part sucks and I don't want this anymore. Those are not the same sentence and I want to make sure as we’re pursuing our goals as GAW’s we can take notice of the difference.
IS IT WORTH IT?
Instead of asking ourselves “Do I want to do this?” Maybe the better question becomes “Is what I want on the other side worth doing this for?”
Because that's the question I've already answered when that alarm goes off at 4:30. Do I want to get out of bed? No. Is feeling strong, supporting my mental health, keeping a promise I've made to myself, and not having that open tab hanging over my head for the rest of the day worth getting out of bed for? For me? Yes. And THAT is why I get out of bed and do the thing.
Friends. You don't work because you always want to. You work because you've decided the result on the other side is worth it.
And this is where I want to be careful. I'm not telling you that everything you've ever wanted is worth every price you could possibly pay for it. Absolutely not.
Sometimes the answer to Is this still worth it? is no, no it is not. And that’s okay. Sometimes we outgrow goals. Sometimes the cost becomes too high. Sometimes something that was right for one season isn't right anymore. There is wisdom in recognizing that, too.
But that's not the woman I'm talking to today. I'm talking to the woman who knows, deep down:
I still want this.
I still want to feel strong.
I still want to write the thing.
I still want to take care of myself.
I still want to build this.
I still want to make the change.
I still want what exists on the other side.
I've just gotten tired of the crap sandwich required to get there. Okay. In that case, you probably don't need a new goal. Or another planner. Or a fresh start. Or hope that motivation will magically come knocking again.
Maybe you just need to remember why the work is worth doing.
Because mature motivation isn't about convincing yourself that the crap sandwich suddenly tastes good. It's knowing why you're willing to eat it anyway.
RETURN TO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WANTED
So what do we do with all of this? I don't want you leaving this episode with another giant framework to implement or twelve new things to add to your list. I actually want you to do one thing.
I want you to return.
Maybe life has been lifeing lately.
Maybe you missed a week of workouts.
Maybe the project you were so excited about hasn't been touched in a month.
Maybe your routines went completely out the window.
Maybe you got tired.
Maybe you got distracted.
Maybe something genuinely hard happened and taking care of yourself looked different for a while.
Okay. You’re here now. So where are you gonna go next? I think sometimes we waste so much energy trying to figure out how to get back that we make returning much harder than it needs to be.
We think we need a Monday.
A new month.
A new plan.
A sudden surge of motivation.
We need to catch up on everything we missed before we're allowed to move forward again.
You don't. You just need to make the next right choice. That's it.
I feel like my definition of consistency has shifted as I've gotten older. I used to think consistency meant never stopping or missing a day. But that's not real life. Real life interrupts us.
Our capacity changes.
We get sick.
We travel.
Work gets busy.
People need us.
Sometimes we simply lose our groove. So maybe consistency isn't about never leaving. Maybe consistency is about learning how to return. Life will pull us away sometimes. That's real life. What matters to me is learning to notice sooner and return faster.
Not never leaving. Getting better at returning.
And THAT is what I want you to practice this week.
What is one small thing you can do this week to return to the thing that matters to you?
One workout.
One page.
One meal.
One email.
One appointment.
One walk.
One post.
One choice.
And when your brain says, But I don't really feel like it… I want you to remember what we talked about today.
“I don't feel like it” Can have a voice. But it doesn't always get the vote.
Instead ask:
Is what I want on the other side still worth it?
If the answer is yes? Get willing. And get working. Because I don’t think you need to get your motivation back. Let’s shift our perspective on that. You don't need to feel the way you felt at the beginning in order to keep creating what you wanted when you began.
Beginnings are exciting. Continuing often isn't. And we have to get over this idea that creating what you crave is one brave decision. It's not. Creating what you crave isn't one brave decision. It's the decision you keep making after the feeling wears off.
So stop waiting to want every part of it. Remember what's worth it. Accept the crap sandwich. And make the next right choice.
I love you so much. I’m forever and always rooting for you. And I will see you right here, next week, on The Self Care Sisterhood Podcast. 🤍
PS…This website includes affiliate links. If you click and purchase, I may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend products + tools that I have personally reviewed, love, and/or use. You can read the full statement HERE.
